I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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