You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
