mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
