I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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