see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Randomize
