if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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