two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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