The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
