Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
