Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
