You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
