When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
