where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
