So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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