not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
