How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
