So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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