the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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