do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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