Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
