I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Randomize
