we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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