im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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