I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Randomize
