yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
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I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
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I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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