Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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