Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
