Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
