Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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