We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
