can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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