I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
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