We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
