I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
