then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
the day after is always just damage control
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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