More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
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In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
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This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
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