my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
