i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Non-Jews are for practice
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
