I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
