I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
