after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
