Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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