I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
