after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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