i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
