Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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