so that wasnt chicken after all
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
