I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
