you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
how does that bad decision feel?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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