Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
