I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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