Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I have already put on my inside pants.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Randomize
