Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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