Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
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Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
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All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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