I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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