my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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