I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
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