His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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