I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
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