You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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