Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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