this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Randomize