Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
