I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
