Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
